(Originally posted on my software development blog)

So... I have cancer.

Back in March, I found a lump near my elbow. I had no other symptoms. But my wife, who has an MD, researched it. She learned that lack of symptoms was no reason for comfort in my particular case. She pushed through the hesitation of a couple of doctors until I got to an oncologist.

At this point, I've had two surgeries and will probably have radiation soon. The lump they removed was a rare kind of tumor, slow growing but tough. Even if we kill it in my arm, the cancer may have already spread imperceptibly, to crop up elsewhere later.

There's a lot of uncertainty right now. I might still live to be 80. But I might be dead in 10 years.

We've cried a lot in recent days. After 19 years of marriage, Elizabeth and I love each other more than ever. We have 4 kids, ages 12 to 2. I hate the thought of them losing me, of not being there to help and comfort and laugh with Elizabeth, to love and teach and encourage our kids. I hate the idea of our youngest having only dim memories of her dad.

For myself, I'm scared of suffering: more tumors, more surgeries, chemo, nausea, my body wasting away.

But I'm not scared of dying.

I'm not afraid of dying because I believe in Jesus. Not as a blind faith, but a settled, reasoned, joyful trust.

If you've got a few minutes and an open mind, I'd like to explain why.

...

The answer isn't an airtight proof. But it's also not a blind leap.

I would say "faith" is a synonym for "trust." When you trust someone, you usually have reasons.

You can't know for certain that your doctor won't harm you, your friend won't betray you, or your bank won't steal from you. But you can start from what you do know and decide reasonably to trust where you don't.

Faith in Jesus isn't so different.

...

I grew up in a Christian family. But from adolescence, I had some doubts. Is this stuff really true? Does it make sense?

One thing I never doubted is that right and wrong are real. It's wrong to murder, kidnap, rape, or enslave people.

People argue about exactly what's in and out of bounds, morally. But that confusion doesn't mean there's no clarity. I'm not sure if a hot dog is a sandwich, but I know that a brick isn't.

And nobody can live without morals. Even the "new atheists" of 20 years ago were conspicuously moral. When a person who tells you "morality doesn't exist" also says "religion is immoral", you know something is amiss.

But if there is real right and wrong, that means there's a real standard, above human opinions. Where does that come from?

For me, the most satisfying answer is that the standard is a person. That we were created by a God whose own character is good. That He put into our hearts a knowledge of that good which we can't quite forget.

...

Believing that good and evil exist is a comfort.

If murder is just a thing that happens, like rain, there's no hope. But if it's really wrong, and if there's a God of good, then future justice is possible. Actually, it's inevitable.

But if I turn the standard on myself, I become uncomfortable. Because I know I've done wrong. Lots of times. In fact, I can't seem to stop.

Wouldn't a good God, a God of justice, do something about that?

Could I bear to see his face?

...

Then there's Jesus.

The traditional "gospels", the accounts of Jesus' life in in Christian Bibles, have every indication of being eyewitness testimony from 1st century Judea. And the manuscript evidence that they were passed down to us accurately is very strong.

These gospels have proven extremely historically reliable, down to details like distances, elevations, timing of crops, names of officials, and more. Archaeology has repeatedly vindicated details that had been questioned. Even the weirdly-frequent names in the gospels (why were so many women named "Mary"?) match the frequency of names on 1st-century ossuaries. Contrast that with the "lost gospels" people love to talk about, where such details are laughably wrong.

And, ancient and foreign as they are, the gospels have the ring of truth. The disciples didn't photoshop their own portraits. As they followed Jesus, they jostled for status, missed the point, and fled when things got scary.

Until the resurrection. Everything changed after that.

But is that real?

...

Historically speaking, there are a number of facts about Jesus which almost all scholars, Christian or not, agree on.

Jesus really lived and taught in 1st century Judea. He was said to do amazing things. He was crucified. Soon afterwards, his disciples, who had spent years traveling with him, claimed to have seen him alive again, up close and personal, multiple times, including hugging and eating together. Jesus' enemies, who got him crucified and wanted to discredit him, never produced the body to refute them.

Skeptics reach for a number of possible explanations. Maybe Jesus didn't die on the cross, they say, he just fainted. Maybe the disciples stole his body from the tomb. But Roman soldiers knew how to kill and how to guard.

More importantly, if his followers actually knew that they had a dead Messiah, why would they endure suffering and death to proclaim that he was alive?

James, Jesus' brother, who didn't believe in Jesus before the crucifixion, and Paul, who was among the Jewish religious elite and persecuted Christians, both said they had seen Jesus alive, and spent the rest of their lives saying so. They were killed for it.

Being a "Christian leader" sounds high-status now, but in those days it meant poverty, persecution, and often early death. For his disciples, like Peter and John, and former skeptics, like James and Paul, to embrace that life, not when Jesus was drawing crowds, but after his crucifixion, when his followers were being hunted down, is very surprising.

Peter tells us why he did it.

For we did not follow cleverly devised myths when we made known to you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but we were eyewitnesses of his majesty.
1 Peter 1:16

Jesus is not a cleverly devised myth. He is, as J.R.R Tolkien told C.S. Lewis, the "true myth".

...

If you want more food for thought, consider these resources.

• Did Jesus Rise From the Dead? Evaluating the Historical Evidence (YouTube) by Gavin Ortlund (and his books)
• An Interview with Daniel B. Wallace on the New Testament Manuscripts. (You can even peruse them yourself)
• "Can We Trust the Gospels?" by Peter J. Williams
• "The Reason for God" by Timothy Keller
• "The Air We Breathe: How We All Came to Believe in Freedom, Kindness, Progress, and Equality" by Glen Scrivener
• "Confronting Christianity: 12 Hard Questions for the World's Largest Religion" by Rebecca McLaughlin

But let me get personal again.

I'm the kind of person who chews on problems. I like evidence and answers. A faith that merely "feels good" wouldn't satisfy me.

But my deepest problems aren't intellectual.

They're existential: does my life mean anything?

They're moral: why do I do wrong, and can I be forgiven?.

They're relational: can I be truly loved?

They're temporal: is this short life all I get?

I think the most satisfying answer to these questions, like to the moral problem, is a person. It's Jesus himself. As he said:

Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life.
John 5:24, ESV

In Jesus, I find that the God whose standard I've broken has offered a way of forgiveness. That the God who might otherwise seem remote has come into the world to suffer like me, to suffer what I deserve, and to love me in spite of myself.

In Jesus, the prayers of Israel for centuries past come to fruition. These words are like water for my soul.

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.
Psalm 32:1-2, ESV

I don't want to suffer and die. I don't want to lose my life and my family.

But if Jesus rose from the dead, then he is who is said he is.

And if Jesus is who he said he is, there's good news. Forgiveness is possible. Death is not the end. And the God who made family, friendship, sunshine, taste buds, and wind in the trees, has made a place for me to be with him.

Jesus said:

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.
In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going."
Thomas said to him, "Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?"
Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him."
John 14:1-7, ESV

No one comes to the Father without Jesus. But through Jesus, God is my Father, and he has a place waiting for me.

That's my hope. That's the hope that softens my heart, changing me from the inside.

And that's why my heart is not troubled.

What about you?