I've been reading some about abuse. ACBC says that “abuse is best identified by intentional sinful acts against another for the purpose of harm and control…Stewards granted authority by God bear a heavy responsibility and will incur a stricter judgment in how they treat those under their care.”
Abuse frequently involves misusing God-given strength or authority, in marriage or elsewhere, to control others and get what the abuser wants. It's fundamentally selfish.
How like Satan and how unlike Jesus! He is the pattern for all leaders, especially husbands. “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45) “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25).
According to Jesus, all authority, whether of a father, mother, manager, pastor, teacher, coach, police officer, judge, military commander, or president should be used for the good of others, not for glorifying ourselves or getting what we want. (In fact, what we want, if we love others as ourselves, should include their good.) All leadership should be servant leadership.
Jesus' teaching here is powerful because He is himself the perfect example. "But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man” - who, unlike us, actually deserves to be honored and served - “came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45)
This is convicting for me. I am tempted to use my little bit of authority to enforce my own preferences. God, give me wisdom, humility, and love.
Another point on abuse: we are commanded to forgive those who sin against us, but not necessarily to trust them. I base this in part on the example of David.
By 1 Sam 26, David had seen a pattern in Saul of outward repentance but recurring violence, and while David refused to harm Saul, he also no longer trusted or submitted to him. He didn't obey Saul's entreaty to "return, my son David, for I will no more do you harm" (26:21), but said "now I shall perish one day by the hand of Saul" and fled (27:1). As I understand it, David judged rightly in this case; God's moral will for David's life was that he should not lift a finger against Saul and that he should continue to love him enough to mourn his later death (2 Sam 1:11), but not that he submit to a leader who would harm him.
This sermon on forgiveness by John Piper builds on a helpful definition of forgiveness from Thomas Watson.
Question: When do we forgive others?
Answer: When we strive against all thoughts of revenge; when we will not do our enemies mischief, but wish well to them, grieve at their calamities, pray for them, seek reconciliation with them, and show ourselves ready on all occasions to relieve them. (Thomas Watson, Body of Divinity, p. 581)
Piper unpacks that definition to show that it is biblical. On the subject of trust, Piper says:
Thomas Watson said something very jolting:
We are not bound to trust an enemy; but we are bound to forgive him. (Body of Divinity, p. 581)
You can actually look someone in the face and say: I forgive you, but I don't trust you. That is what the woman whose husband abused her children had to say.
But O how crucial is the heart here. What would make that an unforgiving thing to say is if you were thinking this: What's more, I don't care about ever trusting you again; and I won't accept any of your efforts to try to establish trust again; in fact, I hope nobody ever trusts you again, and I don't care if your life is totally ruined. That is not a forgiving spirit. And our souls would be in danger.
Forgiveness isn't blindness. It doesn't require us to pretend that a dangerous person is safe. But it does require us to love them, to hope and pray for their repentance, and to hope that a day will come - in this life or the next - when we can be reconciled at last.